After having a conversation with one of my Aunts last night, sobering reality decided to stop tapping me on my shoulder for attention. Instead, it sucker-punched me and knocked me on my behind. Another holiday season and I have no one special (in the amorous/romantic way) to spend it with. It gets particularly rough for me this time of year because I sincerely want to be in a relationship, but as many of you don't know (or you might), gay men can sometimes become weird creatures when approached about the subject of commitment.
I have been single for 7 years now and I'm starting to feel it. I have been on several dates with several different men and none have had that "spark". I am either more interested in them than they are in me or vice versa. Not willing to compromise my principles, I have resolved that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. That prospect didn't seem so real until last night. My Aunt is in her 50's and has never been married. She is well-educated, well-off (although she started a second career to avoid boredom), and retired at a very young age. She has a sharp mind, is attractive, and is comfortable in her skin but she's single. As we talked at length last night, she reminded me that her rearing compels her to want to be married or at least in a LTR. Mine, too. I want to share my life with someone who complements who I am.
I don't have a litany of requirements, no idealized type, and no deal-breakers (except for marriage or someone who is already in a relationship). So why am I single? Wish I knew the answers. Part of the reason I think, is my inability to become vulnerable to people early on so they can get to the real me. I mean, let me be clear, I don't hide my personality behind a facade, but I also keep my innermost feelings guarded. Emotional hurt is very real and quite painful. The other reason is that I haven't met a man that I have very much in common with.
The one person who I do have so much in common with and we complement each other so well is one of my very best friends... a heterosexual woman! We even jokingly call each other husband and wife and our mutual friends agree. In fact, at my family reunion last month, some of my cousins (who apparently don't know that I'm homosexual) asked me when were we going to get married. I laughed, she laughed, but my cousins didn't get it. So I love her with the same love I would have for a man, but she and I could never be intimate (which is one of the ways love is expressed) because I am simply not stimulated by women.
It's also interesting to note that I have a number of friends who are in the same category as I am and while they are single, they aren't lonely. They at least appear to be happy with who they are at this point in their life and I admire them for it.
So, to all of my fellow single folks out there gay, straight, or other, I wish you wonderful holiday greetings and I hope 2008 brings you all that you want, including that special someone to love. In the meantime, continue loving yourself and if you're in the DC area, I'll be preparing a feast for people like us to have someone to spend Xmas with. You may email for an invite if you'd like to come.